Follow the Butterflies
by heartdamoose
Summary: Ron manages to make a patronus.Now if only he could make it go away.What was a small patronus mistake,soon turns into blackmail.Where reciting poetry to P.McG and seeing what's really in F and G's room leads to one of the most hilarious events of all.
1. Things That You Usually Don't Swallow

I just wanted to let y'all know before you read this fic, that it is not all written by me, but is also written by my older sister Kazooly band. She's posting the same fic on some other site. This one just happens to be under my name. Pretty sweet! Alas, even though this fic may be short, the length of it is made up by originality and humor, so I hope you guys like it.

Disclaimer: I had a dream where I owned Harry Potter, it was pretty cool. But I don't...unfortunately. I also don't own the title of the fic which was indeed inspired by Potter Puppet Pals. Kudos to whoever made that.

Happy Reading!

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Chapter 1: Things That You Usually Don't Swallow 

By heartdamoose

* * *

The day was strikingly warm for the middle of spring. In fact, it was so warm, that one particular sparrow had flown into a tree in its own delirium and exploded into a mass chaos of smoking feathers and bloody intestines. The only remains of the unlucky sparrow, were two bony legs and feet that were burnt to a mouthwatering crisp. 

_Crunch._

"Urg! What did I just step in?" said a disgusted red head as he looked at the very appealing blob of smashed sparrow legs on the bottom of his shoe.

"Never mind Ron, just hurry up! We're going to be late for DA!" called the voice of his good friend Hermione.

"Kay," he replied as he wiped his shoe on the moist grass, muttering about grade obsessed girls who needed to be early for everything thus ruining his curiosity of what was under his own shoe. He jogged quickly to catch up with his friend.

"There you are," she said rolling her eyes. "We're late enough as it is."

"Well sorry," muttered Ron. "But I stepped in something nasty back there!"

"I don't even want to know," she said laughing. The two of them jogged up the stairs to Hogwarts and made their way to the Room of Requirement.

"All right," started the loud voice of Harry Potter as he stood up on a chair and looked over the small crowd of DA students. "Today we're still going to work on our patronuses. And for God's sake let's get them right this time."

The DA students, who had been working on their patronuses for a week now, had been, over time, getting better at producing the protective creatures. Now, as Harry watched his friends practice, he noted that most of them had improved a lot.

"Look Harry!" cried Neville from the corner of the room. Harry turned his head, as did everyone else, to a large toad about the size of those big globs of raisins all clumped together when they go stale, jumping around the room.

"It looks like Trevor," pointed out Hermione as she admired the boy's patronus.

"Great job Neville," said Harry in congratulations. "What did you think of?"

"That time you tripped over nothing, fell down four flights of stairs and ran into Snape, getting detention for causing 'unnecessary chaos'."

Harry's blush rivaled Ron's hair as everyone laughed.

Meanwhile, in the farthest possible corner of the room from Neville and friends, Ron banged his wand against the wall over and over again in frustration.

How is it that Neville, boy who isn't good at anything that doesn't involve bloody plants, can summon a patronus, and I bloody can't?

Shush Ron, you're overreacting, he told himself. With a sigh, he stood up straight and tried again.

Find your happy place, he thought. Happy thoughts, happy thoughts.

_Blurp_.

The only thing that escaped from Ron's wand was a failure of a silvery wisp that looked like a chunk of tofu. It floated to ground heavily and dissipated.

Damn, he thought staring at the place where the white wisp disappeared.

"Hey, getting any better?" asked Harry as he came up. The rest of the DA students were back to work again after admiring Neville's toad.

"Nay, Mate," said Ron downcast. "All I get are those fatty cloud chunks coming out of my wand."

Harry thought for a moment. "Well, what are you thinking of?"

"When me and my family went to Egypt."

"Are you sure that's the happiest thing you can think of?"

"I don't know! How am I supposed to remember the happy moments of my life?"

Harry smiled weakly. "You'll get it eventually."

"Harry, Harry over here!" called the happy voice of Ginny as she waved him over with a beaming face. Harry gave Ron an apologetic look and walked over to his friend's younger sister. The rest of the DA group had already assembled by her as well.

"Look, I think I got it this time!" she said as she lifted up her wand. Closing her eyes, she began to focus on the task before her. "Expecto Patronum!"

Out of her wand shot a long thread of silvery wisps that shaped into the form of an elegant fox. The fox licked its slender paw and walked around the group.

Ron stood in his lonesome corner feeling even more like a looser then he did five minutes ago, which was quite impressive. Not only had Neville accomplished summoning his patronus, but his little sister as well.

To put it simply, he felt like a snail that had just been smothered in salt, dipped in boiling oil, smashed by a careless foot, and served for a meal at a French restaurant, thus eaten by an old man with five teeth.

The wispy fox came over to him and walked around him mockingly.

"Oh get out of here," Ron said glaring at the offensive patronus. The fox walked off and evaporated with a wagging tail.

Okay, I'm going to get my patronus, and I'm going to get it now. Enough is enough. With a fiery determination, he rose his wand and shut his eyes, thinking of the happiest thought he could.

That dream I had, when I was the best Quidditch player ever.

"Expecto Patronum," he said hardly, focussing all he could on his wonderful dream.

He felt a power he could not possibly explain without a dictionary flow through his body and out of his wand. Opening his eyes, he saw a bright thread of silvery smoke erupt dramatically out of his wand.

I'm doing it, I'm doing it! He thought happily with wide eyes. It was like the heavens were flowing out of the wand before him.

I wonder what my patronus is! He thought excitedly. What if it's a lion? Or a gigantic shark? Or a…butterfly?

There, fluttering before him in all its innocence, was a butterfly the size of a rotten tomato.

How the bloody hell is this…_thing_…going to ward off dementors? A worse thought ran through his head as the butterfly landed on his nose. What is the DA going to say when they see my wimpy patronus? How the heck am I supposed to live this down? What if Harry is in some life threatening dementor involved situation, and I come, 'Oh Harry, never fear! Expecto Patronum!' and out comes my Butterfly of Doom to come and annihilate it violently?

Ron was in quite a situation.

He stole a glance over at the group to see if anyone had noticed. He sighed with relief. They were still preoccupied with Ginny's new patronus.

Now, how am I supposed to make this bloody insect go away?

Ron swatted viciously at the butterfly as it fluttered happily around him. Every time he swatted again, the patronus would dance out of his reach.

From the distance, one might say that he much resembled a frustrated old blind man trying to attack something invisible that was poking him constantly.

The happy little butterfly landed on his nose and fanned its wings peacefully. He blew on his nose and the butterfly was in flight again.

There was a laugh from the group of DA students. Ron stole a glimpse to see what they were up to. The group was breaking apart as they started to get to work again.

Oh crap…Ron thought panicked. What if one of them sees it? I have to catch it!

"Come here you bloody butterfly!" Ron hissed to his patronus as it swooped around his head. Every time he grasped for it, he missed.

"Ron?" started Harry as he began to walk towards him.

Ron looked as pale as he would be if he were dead and didn't have any blood in his body. Of all the patronuses that are in the world…I got a butterfly.

Ron grasped again and felt the butterfly flutter in his hand. Victory! But not quite yet, for Harry was coming close and he would obviously question what was in his hand. Well fine. If it won't go away, then I'll have to hide it. In his short time of thinking and his feelings of mass panic, Ron hid the butterfly in the only place he could think of.

Opening his mouth, he plopped the butterfly inside.

Now the feeling of a butterfly, patronus or no, in your mouth is quite an odd sensation. The tickling of the soft wings against the roof of your mouth feels rather odd compared to many other things that you eat. Ron squirmed as the butterfly flew around his mouth.

Harry walked up with a confused expression. "Are you okay?"

Oh crap, how am I supposed to talk? He thought with wide eyes. Under reflex, her gulped.

Ron felt something rather tickly and soft squirm down his throat.

His eyes grew wider. Did he just do what he thought he just did?

He just ate his patronus.

Ron smiled innocently at Harry. "Huh? Oh yeah, I'm fine."

Harry eyed him. "Are you sure? You don't look to good."

Ron smiled weakly. "Yeah…I guess I don't feel too well."

"You should go back to the common room and lay down. I'll catch up with you later."

Ron nodded. "Kay. I think I'll do that. I feel like I'm getting the butterflies."

* * *

I hope you guys liked it, and if you didn't...I'm sorry for wasting your time. Updates will be once a week. I promise! So you won't have to sit around wondering if I died or something like that. 

Reviews will be loved by both me and kazoolyband, so don't be lazy and type something up. Flame if you like, they make wonderful S'mores. Though I'm really not a fan of the cracker part of S'mores...hmmm. Anyway, hopefully you'll come back and read the other chapters because this is only the beginning of Ron's big butterfly adventure.

heartdamoose


	2. What Happens After

Hooray for all of the nice reviews. I'm glad you thought it was funny, and I'm even more glad that no one whispered threats to me to take off the story. That's very good. So, this chapter is written by Kazooband, who is smarter, older, and smarter then I am. lol. So you'll probably see a big difference in her writing styles.

I'm the funny one.

Disclaimer: (Evil glare that makes you realize that harry potter is not owned by heartdamoose or kazooband)

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Chapter Two: What Happens After You Swallow Something You Usually Shouldn't Swallow 

By Kazooband

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Ron slipped out of the Room of Requirement as unobtrusively as he could, considering his sudden state of hurry. He could feel the curious stares on his back, but had no time to worry about them. Hopefully he'd be able to concoct a suitable excuse before the meeting let out and he was subjected to the questions of his fellows. In fact, Ron realized as his stomach gave a funny sort of twinge, such an excuse seemed ready made. Butterflies in the stomach indeed, he felt liable to throw up at any second. 

There were several magical candies designed to keep moving even after they had been eaten and Ron was familiar with most of them, but nothing could have prepared him for the sensation of an angry butterfly setting his insides churning.

Even as Ron closed his eyes and leaned up against the nearest wall, hoping to stabilize his stomach, it occurred to him that throwing up might be exactly the sort of solution the situation called for, gruesome as it was. What had he been thinking, anyway, swallowing it? How long would he have to stay this way? As if Fred and George needed any more ammunition.

Suddenly, the butterfly perpetrated a flurry of activity. Ron was certain that he was going to be sick right there, all over the floor, but then it all stopped. The butterfly had finally dissipated. Pleasantly surprised, Ron heaved a huge sigh of relief, followed by a loud belch which left a faint silver mist in front of him that slowly disappeared into the air.

Sure, now it goes away.

However, now that one crisis had been abated, Ron had a new set of troubles to contend with. How could a butterfly possibly be a helpful patronus? Ron could almost see it: alone in a dark clearing at the mercy of a hundred merciless Dementors, he calls a patronus to his aid. The butterfly charges at the nearest Dementor, only to be snatched rudely out of the air, thrown to the ground, and trampled. A second patronus meets the same fate. A sickening chorus of laughter erupts from the Dementors as one steps forward, throwing back its hood while the butterflies lie broken and twitching on the ground…

Ron gulped and shook his head at the horror of it all, Dementors don't even have feet. But still, that wouldn't do at all. Harry was right; this war against Voldemort was only going to get worse. How could he expect to help if he couldn't even produce a useful patronus? There was only one thing to do then, Ron would have to practice in private, and maybe, just maybe, he'd figure out a way to use this patronus to his advantage and still not let anyone find out about it.

With that decided, Ron set out for the nearest empty classroom he could find and locked himself inside.

"Expect Patronum!" Ron yelled, imagining something large and powerful, like a bear, coming out of his wand. Much to his chagrin, when the silver mist solidified it was once again a butterfly.

Ron glared at in as it fluttered cheekily around his head and blew in its direction whenever it passed in front of his face, but the insect was not to be dissuaded from its course.

Ron tried to swat the patronus away as he raised his wand for another attempt at the charm, but the stupid creature went and landed on his hand instead. He tried to shake it off, but it clung on doggedly, like a piece of tape or a stubborn bit of lint. No matter how Ron shook his hand, the bug simply refused to take a hint.

It was strange, that the butterfly could hold on while being subjected to such an onslaught. Its spindly legs hardly looked strong enough, but when its wings were arranged just right it seemed that the butterfly could use the air to hold itself on rather than allow itself to be pulled off. But the wings were so thin, almost like paper, how could they possibly support its weight in flight. Ron wasn't sure if he'd ever seen so many shades of silver before. Whenever the butterfly moved its wings they caught the light in different ways and reflected rainbows on the walls. It was quite possibly the most beautiful thing Ron had even seen in his life, but as he gazed at it and it stared right back, its antennae waving curiously, Ron determined that there was only one way to describe the butterfly, it was mischievous, a perfectly respectable trait. Maybe this patronus wasn't so bad after all…

"Weasley! What are you doing here?"

Ron whirled around, closing his hand around the butterfly.

"I could ask you the same question, Malfoy," Ron spat. "I'm a prefect too, remember." Inwardly, he was cringing. Of all the people to come along! Hadn't he locked the door?

"Touchy," Malfoy replied patronizingly, crossing his arms and leaning up against the doorframe. "Sounds like something's been _bugging_ you."

Ron quailed. Just how long had Malfoy been standing there? Had he seen the butterfly? It sure sounded like he had. However, as it transpired, even if Malfoy hadn't seen the butterfly before, he was going to find out about it. The butterfly chose that moment to flutter out from behind its creator and settled in his hair just above his ear, resembling nothing so much as a flower. Horrified, Ron opened his hand and found that it had been clenched around nothing but air. He had never caught the butterfly in the first place.

Meanwhile, Malfoy was in stitches. He had to grab hold of the nearest desk to keep from falling over.

"Wait…until…everyone…hears…your…patronus…is…a…butterfly!" Malfoy gasped, dissolving into another fit of laughter as soon as he finished speaking.

All Ron would have asked for at that point was to leave with whatever dignity he had left, but Malfoy did not even allow him that.

Click.

Ron looked up to see his tormentor returning a camera to his pocket then watched, too embarrassed to act, as the Slytherin left. His laughter could be heard all down the hallway. Finally, the butterfly dissolved.

"Sure, now you go away," Ron muttered angrily.

* * *

heehee.

Life sure sucks for Ron. lol. He took a picture!

Replies:

Salma-Sol: I don't know what happens when you eat your patronus. Obviously it doesn't feel very good. I wouldn't know, I don't have one. It ran away.

silver-star-0: Hooray it is a new story! Better then GOA. I don't think so, but funny never-the-less. (gulp). Yes, he did swallow it. I wonder what it feels like to eat a patronus.

kuyaga: I love follow the butterflies. And when he gets his head blown off! The first time I saw that I was laughing for...a very long time.

Ethuiliel: I'm glad you think my fic is cool. I love that line too. It makes me laugh. haha.

scribhneoir: Hooray. I'm glad you think it's funny. I wasn't sure if it was really that funny or not. What better patronus then a butterfly? I mean come on! They fly!

Dagmar of Avalon: Butterflies of doom! heehee. I think it is possible. It probably doesn't even taste good. Or does it...

Pirates are a girls bestfriend: heehee. Thanks. Follow the butterflies! (sings along).


	3. Collisions with Hard Objects

So we left off with Malfoy taking a picture of poor Ronalds patronus. Dear me. Poor guy. And that's only the start of his troubles. Just how far will Ron go to hide his patronus anyway? Personally...I'm not quite sure. I would ask Kazooband.

Disclaimer: I myself have never even thought of owning Harry Potter. Well on second thought, I have, but that's not the point. The point is, that I don't own harry potter. And neither does Kazooband.

* * *

Chapter 3: Collisions with Hard Objects 

By heartdamoose

* * *

Ron bolted out of the room with a pale face that made an albino person look tan. His strawberry freckles stuck out from his white skin like a whole bunch of bloody wounds on his face caused by very sharp objects. 

His whole body shook in rage, or fear, he didn't know. Wiping clammy hands on his robes, he walked back to the common room.

This is the bloody butterfly's entire fault, he said glowering at the empty space around him. Now Malfoy knows my Patronus and he's taken a darn picture of the damn thing…

Ron froze right in his tracks like a deer stunned by very bright headlights. He took a picture of my patronus.

Very evil possibilities flowed into his mind as he gulped in fear. Malfoy was a professional in ruining people's lives.

A rather disturbing image rolled through his mind.

He woke in the morning and exited the common room to find that all of the walls were covered in pictures of him staring wide-eyed with an innocent butterfly buzzing around his head.

"Hey Weasely! Nice Patronus!" called a small first year laughing at him.

"Don't make me hurt you!" yelled Ron as he thought of many painful things to do to him that involved duct tape, a frying pan, and a toothpick.

The small first year laughed again. "What, are you going to send your violent butterfly after me?" It seemed like the whole corridor was laughing at him.

Ron glared at everyone and walked to the mess hall, ignoring the many laughs and embarrassing pictures of a butterfly flying around his head.

"Hey Ron!" started a laughing Fred as he laughed at him. "What are you doing at the Gryffindor table?"

"Yeah, Hufflepuffs sit over there," added George laughing.

Ron glared daggers at the both of them and sat between Harry and Hermione.

"Kill me now," Ron croaked miserably as he stuffed a whole bunch of food in his mouth. To Ron, eating was the best way to feel better.

"We won't kill you quite yet," said Harry shoving the Daily Prophet into his face.

With shaky hands, he unrolled the paper and looked at it with wide-eyed horror.

Staring back at him was a blown up picture of himself, looking quite surprised and horrified as the butterfly danced around his head and landed on his nose. Printed on top of the page read: Boy and Patronus Butterfly.

"Well, at least you made the front page," said Hermione cheekily.

Ron shook away the horrific daydream and continued his walk to the common room. Despite his attempts at keeping all butterfly involved thoughts out of his head; they kept on sinking into his mind like flies do when they don't stop bugging you.

What if I get kicked out of the Order because of my patronus? What if they just say I can't protect myself? What would the DA think of me? Will they kick me out? Do patronuses resemble your personality? What If there is something wrong with me that makes my patronus all faulty? What would mother say? Ron gasped. What If I'm not even a wizard? I could only be a squib! I'll be a failure to my family! I'll be kicked out of Hogwarts and live on the streets! Not even Fred and George would take me in! I'll have to live in a cardboard box and become those popcorn vender people you see on the streets! I'll never eat—

_Oof._

Ron held his head as he sat up on the ground. He just ran into something hard.

"Well that was rather rude!" exclaimed a rather angry voice.

Ron rubbed his head. "Sorry," he mumbled to the Fat Lady portrait.

"Well I should say so!" she retorted, putting her hands on her hips. "It must take someone delusional to run into a portrait full on like that!"

"I guess I wasn't looking where I was going," Ron said sheepishly.

"I guess so!" the Fat Lady said highly insulted. "If I wasn't a portrait, I would be wringing your sorry little neck right now!"

Ron stood up and brushed himself off. "I am a prefect you know," he said puffing his chest out.

The Fat Lady looked at him confused. "What does that have to do with anything?"

Ron thought for a moment. "Not sure. Just let me in!"

The woman sighed heavily and pushed the door open. "Mark my words boy," she started as Ron began to walk into the common room. "I will get back at you."

I have other things to worry about, Ron thought glumly.

"Ron, where were you?" demanded Hermione as he walked up to his two best friends.

"Yeah. You said you would be in the common room," pointed out Harry.

"Sorry mates. I felt absolutely miserable. I thought I was going to be sick right outside of the DA room. I went to the hospital wing."

"Do you feel any better?"

"Yeah. Tons. I think I'm gonna go up to bed early. I'm tired." He began to walk up to the Boy's Wing.

"Alright. See you then," said Hermione as she waved.

As he walked up the stairs, Ron was certain he was going to have a certain nightmare about a certain butterfly that would certainly ruin his life tomorrow.

The sun was up bright and early. The weather was perfect and the sky was cloudless. Birds chirped and sang as they flew through the air. They didn't even seem to worry about running into windows and getting their skulls bashed in violently and falling to the far away ground, landing in a massive heap of crippled and displaced body parts. No they didn't worry about that at all. In fact, the day seemed perfect and happy in every way.

However, Ron felt the exact opposite as he walked slowly down the stairs into the common room.

Once you step into the room, your life will never be the same again, he told himself as he looked around the corner to the common room. Better suck it up like a man.

Yeah, a man with a butterfly as a patronus, he said sighing. Well now or never.

He walked into the common room with a grim face. That's right everyone. Stare at the boy with a butterfly patronus.

However, no one even laughed or looked at him when he entered. In fact, it seemed like none of them even noticed his entrance.

They're just being nice to me, he thought. They're waiting until later to bring it up.

Looking for Harry and Hermione, he spotted them sitting in front of the fireplace. He walked over to them.

He sat down next to Harry and looked at him miserably. "Go on Harry. Laugh at me. I know you want to."

Harry looked at him blank and confused. "What are you talking about?"

"You know very well what I'm talking about," Ron muttered sadly.

"No, I think I don't."

"But haven't you seen it all over Hogwarts?"

Harry's brow furrowed and Hermione gave him a 'you're mental' look. "What's all over the school? I haven't seen anything."

"…You haven't?"

"No," Harry said as if it was obvious. "Ron, what the heck are you talking about?"

"Um…arg. Aren't you guys hungry? My stomach…erg. Let's go to the great hall. I'm so hungry I could eat a moose."

Harry and Hermione exchanged confused looks before following Ron out of the common room.

Ron knew that something was very peculiar the minute he exited Gryffindor Tower. Each way he looked he did not see one picture of a butterfly flying around his head. He stood frozen in place in confusion.

"As much as I find the wall fascinating as well Ron, I think we should start going," said Harry as he tugged on his arm.

"Yeah, I thought you were hungry," said Hermione crossing her arms over her chest.

"Er…I am. Let's go," said Ron quickly. He walked briskly towards the grand staircase.

Hermione rolled her eyes and followed him.

The great hall was almost full when they came in for breakfast, and strangely enough, not a single head turned when they entered. Ron was beginning to think that Malfoy didn't even put up the pictures at all.

The three of them sat down at their usual spots and began to dig in.

Ron took the Daily Prophet out of Hermione's hands and looked at it. His face brightened. "I'm not on the front page!"

Harry looked at him as if he'd gone mental. "Well that's a first," he said sarcastically.

Ron sighed with relief.

There was a long silence as they ate their food.

"So Ron, how's your patronus going?" asked Harry.

Ron, who was at the moment was drinking his pumpkin juice, choked and snorted half of it out of his nose and onto George.

"What did I ever do to you!" insisted George as he looked at his now soiled robes in disgust. Fred looked on in sympathy as he handed him a napkin.

"Many things George, but we won't get into that now," said Ron as he coughed. Hermione patted his back.

Once all of the commotion had died down, Harry decided to ask his question again. "How is your patronus going?"

Ron wrung his hands. "Erm…okay. I think I almost have it."

"Really? That's great!" said Harry. "So, do you think you know what it's going to be?"

Ron gulped. "…No idea."

"Well as long as it's not something lame. I'm sure it will be a great patronus."

Ron grew sweaty. "Yeah…listen. I need to go. I just remembered that I forgot to do my transfiguration homework. I'll catch you guys later." He stood up and walked out of the mess hall.

Panic rose over Hermione. "We had transfiguration homework!"

Harry shook his head. "No…no we didn't."

Ron walked out of the room with a sigh of relief. Well that was a disaster. Of course now he was confident that no one knew about his butterfly problem. Not a single person even looked at him during his meal. Which I guess you can consider insulting, or a good thing.

"Hello Weasely," said an all too familiar voice with a practiced drawl.

Ron turned around to see Malfoy standing just feet away from him.

"What do you want Malfoy?" Ron spat as he crossed his arms over his chest. Have you come to take what's left of my dignity? Oh wait…you've already done that.

"I've come to show you something," he said holding up a developed picture.

Ron gulped. "You better destroy that before I hurt you."

Malfoy laughed. "You're funny Weasely. On the contrary, I've decided to blackmail you."

Ron's eyebrows rose to above his hairline. Well that was told forwardly. "That's…wonderful."

Malfoy smirked. "Just thought I would let you know."

Ron pursed his lips and paled. Of all the things he was expecting today, one was not blackmail. He turned around and started to walk away.

"Oh, and Weasely," said Malfoy's cold voice. Ron stopped and turned around. "If you decide that doing the things that I ask you to do are overrated and decide not to do them, you'll find you and your little friend in every corridor in Hogwarts."

Ah. Threatening, thought Ron as he went seven shades paler. Actually, Malfoy seemed to be a natural at it.

Ron sighed. Right now, he would do anything to keep Malfoy from putting up that picture all over Hogwarts. "Fine Malfoy," Ron spat. "Just don't put up that picture."

Malfoy smirked. "Deal."

* * *

Oh No! Blackmail! 

(gasp)

What will he make Ron do! Well, whatever it is, it's probably going to be bloody hilarious.

replies:

Silver-Star-0: He found out indeed. Terrible huh. And now Ron has to deal with blackmail. Stupid Draco...always plotting evil. lol

Salma-Sol: Kazooband says thanks. Pretty funny stuff. Just wait until later!


	4. Four Different Reasons to Groan

This is one of my personally favorite chapters. And it is one of the longest ones, and it is also written by me. Hooray! I hope you guys enjoy it…just don't enjoy it too much.

Disclaimer: Heartdamoose and Kazooband, even if we morphed our heads together, would not be able to come up with the genius that we humans of the world call Harry Potter. And that's saying a lot.

* * *

Chapter 4: Four Different Reasons to Groan 

By heartdamoose

* * *

The whole class gave off a groan that was so emotionally depressing that the cause of it could only be one thing: a test.

"Oh for heaven's sake, it's only a test!" said Professor McGonagall exasperated.

Hermione's hand shot up in the air.

"Yes Miss Granger."

"Professor, would you classify this test as a big one or small one?"

McGonagall stared. "A small test Miss Granger," she replied bluntly.

"What should we study?" she asked.

"You should study your notes on this chapter that hopefully all of you have taken."

Everyone's face besides Hermione's paled.

"Any other questions?" McGonagall asked, clasping her hands together.

Silence.

"Great. Everyone turn to page two hundred in your books and answer questions one through ten."

Another groan erupted from the class.

* * *

"I mean really, we have enough homework as it is, and then McGonagall decides to throw a test on top as well!" Ron complained as he, Harry, and Hermione walked through the third floor corridor to the grand staircase.

"Frankly, I don't see why you two are complaining," Hermione started. "McGonagall said it was a small test."

Ron stared at her. "Hermione, there is a _big_ difference between small, and McGonagall small."

"Why would you even have a problem?" countered Hermione. "You took notes. You can use them to study with. You _did_ take notes, didn't you?"

Harry and Ron exchanged hesitant glances.

Hermione stood in front of them with her arms crossed and an impatient foot tapping. "Out with it."

"Well, we did take notes," said Harry innocently, as if that alone would give him credit.

"Yeah, we did really," said Ron in support. "But then we were really bored one day…"

"_Really_ bored."

"…And the notes were just there, innocently, _tempting_," Ron said as if his mouth were watering.

Hermione rose a single brow.

"They just looked so…flammable," added Harry.

Hermione stared at the both of them. "Wait, so you're saying that you burned your notes?"

"Well not burn exactly," said Ron.

"More like blow up in gigantic flames," informed Harry. Ron nodded.

Hermione looked like she was about to faint. "You blew up your notes. Fantastic. That's probably the most intelligent thing you've done all year. So, Mr. Dumb and Dumber," she said pointing at Ron and Harry. "What, dare I ask, are you going to do about this test?"

Harry and Ron exchanged glances once again. "Um…borrow yours?" asked Harry.

Hermione sighed. "Well, I guess it's better then not getting notes at all. Come on, we're going to be late for potions."

Harry and Ron both groaned.

* * *

Later on in the day, Ron walked down towards the Great Hall to meet with his friends for dinner. He was pulled aside by Professor Flitwick, before, to talk of some homework matters. 

Ron walked quickly. He was already late enough as it was.

"Weasely!" hissed an all too familiar voice from an empty classroom.

Ron turned to face Malfoy with a glare as cold as a very cold mountain somewhere in the Alps.

"I have a favor I want you to do for me." He disappeared in the dark shadow of the classroom, apparently wanting him to follow.

Ron had quite a strong temptation to run from Malfoy and go to dinner, but fought against it. He would rather do a stupid favor for Malfoy then have the disturbing butterfly pictures floating around the school.

"What do you want Malfoy?" Ron spat.

Malfoy grinned coldly. In fact, the grin was so cold that it much resembled the temperature of Alaska during a world record snowstorm in the middle of winter if there was no sun in existence. But of course, if there was no sun, then all of the planets would much more resemble a whole bunch of rioting pin balls ricocheting off of each other in which we would collide with Jupiter and smash into many many pieces. So I guess there wouldn't really be an Alaska, and thus no existence of a snowstorm. So it probably wouldn't be so cold after all, and Jupiter would…

"Have you even been listening to what I've been saying Weasely?" demanded Malfoy.

Ron shook his head to rid his thoughts. "Wha…? No…I haven't. Do you mind saying it again?"

Malfoy sighed rather loudly. "I _said_ I want _you_ to steal Hermione's transfiguration notes so that I can ace the test."

Ron shook his head seriously. "I can't do that Malfoy, I'm already using her notes to ace the test." He paused. "And she's my friend," he added.

"Listen Weasely. Do you want those butterfly pictures all over the school or not?"

"…Not really."

"Then you better get those notes and give them to me tonight in front of," Malfoy looked around. "That statue," he said pointing to what looked like a rather fat hippo attempt to eat what seemed to be an old lady whole reading a big book and sitting on a rusty armchair.

Ron sighed. "Deal," he muttered coldly. He walked out of the classroom and towards his original destination.

* * *

"Ron what kept you?" asked Harry as he watched his friend sit down and pile an unnatural amount of food on his plate. 

"I had an encounter with a rather annoying, jinxed wardrobe and had to fight to the death to free myself from its grasp," muttered Ron as he stuffed many mashed potatoes into his mouth.

"How…dramatic," said Hermione with a skeptical look.

Ron looked at her, feeling guilty. Of all the things that he didn't want to do, stealing her notes was one of them. It was cruel, and she was a really good friend. And besides, she will probably freak once she finds out. He wished he never managed to even summon his patronus. Well what is it Ron, friends, or keeping your secret safe? Now that's too hard of a question. And besides, why would Hermione even need her notes for the test? She probably already studied, or maybe she made a spare copy for emergencies. Truthfully, taking her notes would be for her own good. She needs to learn to relax. She's the smartest in the class anyway.

Okay, it's decided. I'm going to _borrow _Hermione's notes for her own good, and accidentally slip them to Malfoy.

"So Harry," started Ron innocently. "How has your day been?"

Harry stared in confusion. "Er…wonderful. Yours?"

"Bloody terrific," said Ron perhaps a bit too forcefully. "And what about you Hermione?"

Hermione's brows rose. "You've had all the same classes as me. Wouldn't you know how my day has gone?"

Ron laughed. "Of course I know how your day has gone. But I'm just trying to make conversation. You guys are so boring today. Say, let's go back to the common room and play some wizard chess, eh? I'll play winner." He nudged both of them with his elbows.

Hermione smiled, but sighed. "All right. I'm actually up for a game of wizard chess right now."

The three of them stood up and exited the Great Hall.

* * *

It was the perfect opportunity. Harry and Hermione were too transfixed in the violent game of wizard chess to even notice their surroundings. There he stood, next to Hermione's abandoned book bag, and her notes were quite literally sticking halfway out of it at quite an odd angle that practically screamed 'Take me I'm yours'. 

Now or never, he thought as he chewed on his thumbnail. Hesitantly, he slipped the notes out of her bag and put them in his robes. He never felt so guilty in his life. He even felt guiltier then the time he gave Fred and George that homemade peanut butter covered…well…that isn't important. The point is, that he did something that he felt really bad about.

It's for her own good, he thought stubbornly.

"Hey guys?" started Ron hesitantly.

Harry and Hermione looked at him questioningly.

"I just realized that I forgot something at Charms. I'll be back…eventually."

"We'll go with you," said Harry standing up.

"No! Er…I mean, no. You guys look like you're having so much fun with your game. Wouldn't want to spoil it for a stupid errand. I'll be back soon."

Harry shrugged and sat back down, continuing the game again.

Ron exited out of the common room.

Then, all of a sudden…Ron tripped over nothing!

_Oof._

"Aha! I got you!" exclaimed the Fat Lady with a shrieking laugh.

Ron held his head as he sat up. "What was that for?" he demanded angrily.

"For running into me before of course!" said the Fat Lady as if it were obvious. In fact, it was.

"Oh…so now we're even?" asked Ron hopefully.

The Fat Lady laughed loudly. "Of course we are!" she continued to laugh her over exaggerated laugh for about five minutes.

Within the first two minutes of the five minutes worth of laughing, Ron stood up and walked away towards the charms classroom. The portrait's laughter still echoed down the hall.

At last he arrived at the hippo…thingy. Malfoy leaned on it lazily; looking at his hair through a small hand held mirror. When he saw Ron come up, he folded the mirror and put it back in his pocket.

"Do you have the notes?" he asked darkly as if he was some type of smuggler asking for the money before handing the goods over.

Ron glared. He took the notes from out of his robes and handed them to Malfoy stiffly. "You better not make me do anything like that again."

Malfoy took out his mirror and examined himself thoroughly. "Deal Weasely," he said casually. "Now leave me to look at my beautiful face in peace."

Ron glared pointy daggers at him. "Oh go marry yourself," he snapped.

Malfoy smirked. "Don't mind if I do," he said laughing.

Ron rolled his eyes and left.

* * *

"Ron, do you know where my notes are?" asked Hermione panicking as she looked through her book bag for the umpteenth time during breakfast the next day. 

Guilt lingered over him as he shook his head quietly.

"Why can't I find them! I _swear_ I put them in here!"

Harry shrugged. "Hermione, you probably just misplaced them."

"I'm going to fail!"

Harry shook his head rolling his eyes. "Hermione, you're not going to fail. That's scientifically impossible. You probably studied anyway, right?"

Hermione lowered her head and shook it sadly.

"Well look on the bright side," said Ron. "We never study for our tests and look how successful we are."

…Silence.

"My. Life. Is. Ruined," she whispered hopelessly.

"Hermione, McGonagall said herself that it was a small test. It's probably not even worth one percent of your grade."

Hermione looked at Harry sharply. "You know how proportionally confused McGonagall is! She thinks that a small test is two hundred questions! My future is ruined!" With that, she raced out of the Great Hall with her book bag swinging behind her.

Ron stared. "Why is she so worried? She's going to ace the test anyway."

Harry shrugged. "I guess it's a Hermione thing."

* * *

Once all of the students were done with the tests, McGonagall corrected them magically and passed them back with the flick of her wand.

Hermione looked at her paper with a pale face. She shook her head sadly.

"What did you get?" asked Harry as he leaned over to see her test. Ron did so as well.

Harry's eyes widened.

"I know, isn't it horrible?" said Hermione miserably.

Ron looked at her as if she was mental. "Hermione. You have got to be kidding me. How is a ninety nine out of one hundred at all horrible?"

Hermione sniffed. "If I had my notes, I would have gotten that question right."

Ron looked at his paper. "Well, it's better then I got. What'd you get?" he asked Harry.

"Seventy nine," Harry replied.

"Aww, you beat me," Ron said. "I got seventy five."

"And guess what I got Potter," said none other then Draco as he walked over. "A perfect score." He waved the test in front of his face.

"Malfoy beat me?" said Hermione and Harry at the same time. Hermione looked like she was going to go into hysterics.

Ron looked at Malfoy angrily. "You know Malfoy, I think the only reason you got a perfect is because someone of intelligence lent you their brain…and their notes."

Malfoy smirked. "Funny. And I see that, by the score of your test, a…oh let's just say _butterfly_…lent you their brain as well?"

Ron paled. Oh…he's good.

McGonagall rapped her wand on her desk to silence the class. "Now, for homework, I want you to write a two foot long essay on the African wizard culture, and why it is a tradition to always transform mice into smashed bits of crayon."

A hearty groan rolled through the class.

* * *

That was a pretty fun read, eh?

I would hate to write about the African wizard culture and their traditions to transform mice into smashed bits of crayon.

Yummy.

Replies:

Kuyaga: I'm sorry that you are puzzled. The pictures everywhere was a daydream. The picture that Malfoy took is a picture of Ron with his patronus butterfly flying around him. Malfoy is using it to blackmail him. Are you still confuzzled?

Silver-star-0: Why yes! Blackmail! Malfoy will make him do many things. Just wait and see…


	5. Harry's Obsession with Weaselys

Alrighty then. Here is the next chapter of our little Ronald story. This one just happens to be one of my personal favorites. Not only because I wrote it, but because I think it's funny. Indeed Harry does have an Obsession with Weaselys.

Disclaimer: Well first of all, saying that I own the Harry Potter characters and what not is illegal. And even though I must classify myself as a snarky badass who loves to break the rules and rip tags off of mattresses for fun, I don't have the guts to say that I created Harry Potter. And even if I said I did, no one would believe me, so why should I even bother? There you have it...I do not own Harry Potter.

* * *

Chapter 5: Harry's Obsession with Weaselys 

By heartdamoose

* * *

"All right," said Harry standing on a small crate in the Room of Requirement during another DA meeting. "I have decided that today I am going to be testing each of you on your patronuses." 

"What do you mean you're testing us?" demanded Fred outraged.

"Yeah! What are you going to do next? Give us bloody NEWTS?" added George.

"This isn't a class Harry. We have enough work as it is!"

Harry stared at the both of them blankly. "You two are going first."

Fred glared and got out his wand. People got out of his way as he walked to the center of the room.

Fred yawned lazily and gave his wand a little swing. "Expecto Patronum."

A silvery thread of light erupted from his wand that formed into the shape of a large penguin.

"_That's_ your patronus?" said Ginny laughing. "It's a penguin!"

"Right you are sis," said Fred rumping her hair. "I see you're getting smarter. It must be the therapy."

Ginny gave Fred a death glare that would make Voldemort shudder. Fred instantly dropped it. Ginny smirked.

"Okay George my friend. You're next," said Fred as he clasped his brother's shoulder.

George grinned and walked to the center of the room. He threw his wand in the air and caught it nimbly. "Expecto Patronum!"

Out came the same silvery thread from his wand. It quickly transformed into a moose that galloped around the room and stopped in front of Luna as it pretended to eat her hat.

Luna giggled. "This reminds me of the Snorwick famine when all of the Fledgerbombs ate the majestic cappersnaps."

Silence.

"So…a moose," started Seamus. "It sure is orginal."

George bowed and left the center of the room as if it were some type of performance.

Harry looked around the room for his next victim. His eyes fell on Ron. "Ron."

"Oi! How come you're only picking Weaselys!" said Seamus, outraged. "You…you…Weasely lover!"

Meanwhile, all the blood in Ron's body had flushed all the way down to his feet. Oh crap…

Now Ron had known the minute he'd walked into the DA room that he would regret it. He'd have to show his butterfly to the whole DA!

There was only one thing he could do.

He walked to the center of the room, smiled weakly at Harry, and held up his wand nervously.

Don't think happy thoughts, don't think happy thoughts, he urged.

"Um…Expecto Plutonium."

Nothing happened except for half of the DA class laughing. The other half looked thoroughly confused.

"Er…Ron," started Harry uneasily. "You said it wrong."

Ron's eyebrows rose. "Did I really?" He hit his forehead with his hand. "Could I have another go?"

Harry nodded grimly.

He rose his wand with a shaky hand. "Expresso Patronum!"

This time everyone was laughing.

"Oh God you're kidding me," whispered Harry shaking his head. "Ron, I know you can do this. You said yourself that you almost had it. What's the deal?"

"I dunno. Let me try again. E-expecto Patronum."

A silvery whisp came out, but alas, no butterfly.

"That good enough," said Harry nodding. "You'll get it soon. Everyone has their highs and lows. Ginny, let's see yours."

"_Another_ Weasely!" cried Seamus throwing up his hands.

* * *

The minute DA was over, Ron raced out of the room and walked away as quickly as he legs could carry him, knowing that Harry would want to talk to him.

"Psst! Weasely!" hissed a voice from inside an empty classroom.

Ron froze and turned to the door. Malfoy was leaning on the doorframe grinning. How in the world does he just appear like that?

Malfoy motioned for him to come inside. Ron followed him and leaned against the wall as Malfoy sat at a desk.

"Step into my office Weasely," he said grinning.

"Since when do you have an office?" said Ron coldly. "What do you want anyway?"

"I thought of something else I want you to do," he said, unable to keep from grinning evilly.

"Enlighten me."

Malfoy took out a piece of paper and handed it to him. "I want you to stand up and read this during dinner tomorrow to the staff, and in front of the whole school." His grin grew.

Ron read what was on the paper with a grim face. When he was finished, his eyes widened and he gulped. "You're joking."

Malfoy sneered. "I'm afraid I'm not Weasely."

"There is no way I'm doing this. Are you _trying _to expel me?"

"Well yeah…but that's not the point. And yes you are doing this," said Malfoy. "Because I have that wonderful picture of you and happy butterfly, on standby at the Daily Prophet for the front page," he pointed out, examining his nails.

Ron's eyes widened and he smiled innocently. "On second thought, I would love to say this um…thing."

Malfoy grinned. "Excellent."

* * *

Oh my! What could be on the paper!

hahaha...just you wait. The worst has yet to come for our little friend Ron.

(evil grin)

replies:

Salma-sol: lol. Crayons ideed. I love crayons. heehee.

kuyaga: Good. I'm glad you're not confused. And I'm also glad you're in a good mood. I would hate to be Ron as well. Through the whole story. Poor guy.

silver-star-0: Yes...only because he cheated tho. The sneak. lol. The next thing Ron's gonna have to do is a right shocker.


	6. Happy Thoughts

Alright, sorry for the slow updates. I have been really really busy lately. Which is why I haven't updated any of my other stories as well. Anyway, hopefully you guys will still read this story. Cause it's not even to the good part yet! Okay then…this chapter was written by Kazooband. I personally love this chapter. Lol. 

Disclaimer: I would own HP if I could, but I can't, I shouldn't, I wouldn't, and I wont.

* * *

Chapter 6: Happy Thoughts 

By kazooband

* * *

"Are you alright?" 

"No!" Ron exclaimed incredulously. How could anyone expect him to be alright after being threatened by Malfoy? Then he caught himself. "I mean, yes, I'm fine. Why do you ask? How are you?"

Ron turned around to see Harry and Hermione's confused faces, stealthily stuffing the scrap of paper in his pocket. Apparently he wasn't quite stealthy enough, Harry seemed to miss it, but Hermione's eyes followed the progress of his hand.

"What was that?" she asked suspiciously.

"What was what?" Ron asked innocently, unable to meet his friends' eyes and examining the portrait behind them instead. The subject noticed and stared back. Ron blinked first.

"That paper you just put in your pocket, Ronald," Hermione replied.

Ron winced. He hated it when she called him by his full name. It made it sound like he was in trouble.

"Oh, that," Ron started, astounding himself with his own acting ability. "It…um…it occurred to me what I might be doing wrong with this patronus business. I…decided to write it down so I wouldn't forget."

"What was this great insight?" Hermione pressed.

Damn, what did it take to fool this girl?

"Right," Ron said, trying to buy himself some thinking time. "I don't think I'm…erm…thinking happy enough thoughts."

Harry and Hermione stared. Ron, once again, blinked first.

"I see," Hermione said.

Ron heaved a huge sigh of relief, but his elation was short lived.

"You're not fooling anyone, you know," Harry said. "I see what's going on."

Ron felt as though he'd just swallowed an icicle, a very sharp icicle.

"You do? I mean…nothing's going on," Ron stammered.

"Yes there is," Harry replied, eying Ron, an impish smile growing on his face. "You have a girlfriend, don't you?"

"N-no I don't," Ron replied.

"Yes you do, but you didn't want us to find out about it," Harry continued. "How else can you explain your behavior over the past few days?"

"It…I…um…well…" Ron stuttered, chancing a glance at Hermione. Her eyes seemed to have swelled to cartoonish proportions. He didn't want to do it, but he'd been offered such a perfect way out that he didn't dare pass it up. "You caught me."

"Well, what's her name, mate?" Harry pressed.

"Keplilyeth…Shmeirheimer," Ron improvised dismally. It occurred to him a moment later that there was no chance he'd be able to remember that name for longer than a minute.

"Oh," Harry replied, his nose slightly wrinkled. "What house is she in?"

"Gryfflepuff," Ron replied.

"What?" Harry asked.

"Ravenclaw," Ron said, finally making up his mind. "Sixth year."

"I see," Harry said, looking confused. "You should point her out to us sometime."

"Sure," Ron replied reluctantly, realizing another flaw in his plan. "She's…kind of shy about it, though." Harry looked like he wanted to continue his interrogation, but Ron decided that a change of subject was in order. "I think I'll get in some more patronus practice before I head back to the common room."

"Do you want some help?" Harry offered. "We could go back to the Room of Requirement. Maybe we can figure out what's been giving you trouble."

"No!" Ron exclaimed, a bit more forcefully than he intended. "I mean, I don't want to keep you up. I reckon I've nearly got it."

"If you're sure," Harry replied uncertainly.

"I'm sure," Ron said, urging them past. As soon as they Harry and Hermione had turned the corner, Ron rushed to the nearest wall, pulled out the scrap of parchment Malfoy gave him and scribbled the name of this "girlfriend" at the bottom of it.

Afterwards he simply stared at the words, wondering how things had gotten so bloody messed up so quickly.

Ron woke up the next morning feeling absolutely horrible, although it took him a few minutes to remember exactly why. When he sat up, Harry glanced at him, then at his socks, then back again.

"You look terrible, how late were you out last night?"

Ron mumbled something incoherent. It sounded a lot like "midnight," but he was fairly certain that he meant to say "three."

"Do you have it now, then?" Harry asked.

"N-nearly," Ron replied artfully using a yawn to justify his nervous stutter.

"Oh," Harry sighed, looking dejected. Then he brightened up. "Oh! You weren't actually practicing at all, were you?"

"Where else would I have been?" Ron asked.

Harry gave Ron a strange look.

"Oh!" Ron yelped, realization dawning on him. "You think I was with…with…" Damn, he couldn't remember the name. "…with my girlfriend," Ron continued jauntily. "Well I wasn't."

"Alright," Harry replied. "If you don't want to talk about it that's fine. We need to get to breakfast before Potions class anyway."

Ron's smug expression melted into despair. On top of everything else, now he had Potions class."

* * *

Ron had never been great at Potions, he'd never been good at Potions, he wasn't even decent at Potions, but he usually managed to avoid being absolutely, horribly, terrible at it. Not today. 

"Tell me, Weasley, what potion are we making today?" Snape sneered.

Ron's eyes flicked from the professor to the blackboard and back. "The strengthening solution, sir?"

"If someone were to look in your cauldron, what do you guess that person would suppose you were making?" Snape continued.

"Pond scum, sir?" Ron ventured after chancing a glance into the cauldron.

"I would have guessed sewage," Snape replied slowly. "What is the first ingredient in the strengthening solution?"

Ron tried to look at the blackboard for help, but Snape had stepped in the way. He looked to his potion for inspiration, willing the answer to separate itself from the mixture and show itself. No such luck.

"Lacewing flies, sir?" Ron guessed hopefully.

"Congratulations, Mr. Weasley," Snape sneered. "You have just inducted yourself into the dunderhead hall of fame."

Brilliant, Ron thought. Just the spot for me.

"Read out the order of ingredients," Snape commanded, stepping aside.

"Knotgrass, salamander blood, billywig stings, and pomegranate juice," Ron read, squinting slightly.

"Are there any lacewing flies called for?" Snape asked.

"No, sir," Ron replied, looking downcast. He was sure he heard several chuckles throughout the room.

"I suppose that explains the lamentable state of your potion," Snape hissed. "Explain the effect adding lacewing flies would have on the strengthening solution."

"Well, um," Ron stammered, supposing that the response 'it turns your potion into pond scum' would have landed him in detention. "Lacewing flies and salamander blood are never meant to be combined because…because…"

"Pitiful," Snape interrupted. "Lacewing flies and salamander blood are only combined in the most powerful potions. Lacewing and knotgrass render each other completely unreactive, but since you obviously added more lacewing flies than knotgrass, anyone who drank this potion would almost certainly die."

Ron simply gazed back at the professor, hoping he was done, but this hadn't been Ron's day for small favors.

"Ever since you first stepped into this classroom I knew that you would never be a suitable potion maker, but I never thought anyone could be so utterly foolish."

Happy thoughts, happy thoughts.

"You remain as inept as a first year."

Happy thoughts.

"This would not be such a travesty if I didn't hear similar reports from your other teachers."

Happy thoughts!

"You should know that I will be the first to recommend your expulsion from this school should your marks fail to improve."

If Snape's tirade continued, Ron didn't hear it, for at that moment, a silver butterfly emerged over Snape's shoulder. The patronus was far larger than any version Ron had conjured previously. There was certainly no chance of hiding it in his hand this time, but, then again, it seemed that the damage had already been done. Confused whispers were coming from all over the classroom, along with a bit of cooing from the girls. Snape followed Ron's horrified gaze, jerking his head back suddenly when his eyes finally fell on the strange insect.

However, the butterfly wasn't finished causing trouble yet, not even close. It flew lazily through the air then dove into Ron's potion, which it set spinning, inspiring Ron's neighbors to jump away in fear. The butterfly then freed itself of the potion and took to darting, pixie like, around the room. It toppled chairs, cauldrons, and people, and most of those who hadn't taken cover while they had the chance now sported at least one limb with visibly bulging muscles.

The class in utter disarray, the butterfly strayed unwisely close to Professor Snape, who plucked it neatly out of the air and shook it roughly, demanding, "Whose butterfly is this?"

Even after the patronus dissipated into a wisp of smoke, it was all Ron could do to keep from running out of the classroom to go live in the forbidden forest. After all, that would have given away the fact that the patronus was his.

* * *

Heehee. 

I love this line "Whose butterfly is this?" lol. That was my idea.

Anywho…on to the replies…

Replies:

Captain Cheese and Dommit: hey, glad to see ur back Cheese! And nice name too! (whistles) lol. Yes…Ron would rather embarrass himself then tell his friends. funny eh? The paper…oh man. Just wait till next chapter.

Summerbluez: Malfoy has many evil things for Ron. Lol. Just wait until next chapter. I laughed my ass off just writing it. Heehee. Thanks!

Silver-star-0: Dun Dun Dun indeed. Whatever is on the paper…is really gonna make you laugh. At least…it made me and my sis laugh.

Kuyaga: You know, I would probably do the same thing as you. But then, what's the point of the fic then if he just tells his friends. And anyway…it's Ron. Do you really think he would do that? I like butterflies too. But if my patronus were to be anything…it would be a moose.

Salma-sol: Yes…Harry's obsession is getting quite serious actually. I believe he needs therapy. Lol. Oh no! Don't die of suspense! And stop haunting me!


	7. Complementing Eyebrows

Hahaha

I'm already laughing because this chapter is so freaking funny.

Oh…and as you can see, this is a double update since I'm kinda behind on chapters. Right then…

Read fools!

Disclaimer: I own zip. Sis owns zip. We own zip. I wish I didn't own zip. But then JK would own zip. And that would not be good.

* * *

Chapter 7: Complementing Eyebrows 

By heartdamoose

* * *

Ron wouldn't be very surprised if what he was about to do would get him expelled. 

Or worse.

He walked the hallway to the great hall alone as he contemplated what he was going to do. He felt like he was walking to his death. His life flashed before him dramatically like some type of movie.

And to think, all of this is going on because of a butterfly, he thought holding the paper that Malfoy gave him in his hand tightly.

This is your entire fault you know, said a part of him that sounded a lot like Hermione. If you didn't lie so much to cover up your patronus, you wouldn't even be in this situation.

Ron sighed. Yeah, I know, but then the whole school and I would be the laughing stock of Hogwarts for months.

Like you already aren't.

Oh, shut up.

Deciding that fighting himself both disturbing and ridiculous, he cleared his thoughts and walked to his death.

There it is, Ron thought grimly. He felt clammy and pale as the double doors to the great hall stared back at him mockingly.

Oh suck it up, he told himself. He opened the door and walked inside.

The great hall was full of chatting and laughter when he came in. He walked over to the Gryffindor table, refusing to even steal a glance over at Malfoy.

"Hey Ron," greeted Harry as he pat a seat next to him for Ron to sit on. "That was pretty funny during potions class, eh?"

Ron gulped. "Yeah. Bloody hilarious."

"Ron, what has gotten into you lately?" demanded Hermione with a stern face. "You look so nervous all the time."

Ron shrugged.

Harry rolled his eyes. "Hermione, you know very well why he's nervous. It's because of…of…what's your girlfriend's name again?"

"Oh…well…we broke up anyway."

Harry's and Hermione eyebrows rose. "That was quick," said Harry.

"What did you do?"

"I erm…forgot her name."

Hermione winced. "Ouch."

Harry nodded in sympathy. "Is that why you're so nervous? You're scared one of her friends is going to beat you up?"

Ron shifted his eyes. "Let's go with that."

About a second later, dinner appeared on the empty platters and jugs. Tonight's meal happened to be radish stew.

"Ew, I hate radishes!" said Hermione in disgust.

George plopped a roll on her plate. "Roll?"

Hermione glared and took the roll from her plate. She took a bite and chewed it thoroughly.

Ron stared at his plate miserably. He didn't even have close to an appetite, but he scooped food onto his plate to make it look convincing. He began to chew on a roll.

I am going to die.

The crumpled piece of paper in his pocket reminded him of what he was going to do in no less the five minutes.

Looking up, he saw Malfoy catch his gaze. The blond grinned at him and mouthed 'Do it' to him.

Ron gulped. A new sense of panic overthrew him with a strength that made a rhino on steroids seem as weak as a butterfly. Arg…not a butterfly…a uh…centipede. Right now? He thought, terrified.

Ron looked at the pocket that contained the nightmare worthy piece of paper. Taking it out, he unfolded it and paled.

"Ron, what are you doing?" demanded Hermione as Ron stood up and stepped away from the bench. Some of the Gryffindors who had heard Hermione's question also turned to look at Ron.

Ron stood up on the bench.

"Ron, are you mad?" asked Harry bewildered. Even Fred and George looked slightly confused.

"George, how come we never thought of this?" asked Fred staring.

"I dunno Fred. But I do know our brother is an idiot."

"What's he doing anyway?"

By now, not only were all of the students staring at him, but the staff as well. Professor McGonagall looked like she was going to burst into flames at any second.

If that's her reaction now, just wait until after, thought Ron in a daze.

He cleared his throat.

Holding up the paper, he recited…

"O' McGonagall, O' McGonagall 

_How you sit over there,_

_With your gigantic hat_

_And pick underwear._

_Your eyebrows are pretty_

_In the moonlit night,_

_They glow in the darkness_

_Like a big light._

_Now your nose may be big_

_And your head going bald,_

_But I don't seem to care_

_Even after the homework I hauled._

_O' McGonagall, O' McGonagall_

_After all the things you've said,_

_Like family insults_

_And bashing in my head_

_All the times you've threatened me_

_And made me cry,_

_I just have to say_

_O' McGonagall O' McGonagall, you look like a fly."_

There was a crash. A signal that McGonagall had, indeed, fainted.

Seconds later, the whole hall shook with laughter. Kids were falling off of their seats and rolling on the ground in fits of laughter. Others had massively choked on a whole bunch of butter beer and were currently choking and laughing their brains out.

Fred and George exchanged shocked glances. "That's our brother!" they said as they high-fived.

"Ron you're our idol!" screamed Fred through the crowds.

The only thought that ran through Ron's head was, Oh God I'm so expelled.

* * *

Fred and George, who had insisted that Ron's precious feet never touch the floor again, carried him back to the common room pronto to party. 

"Three cheers for Ron! Gryffindor Hero!" cried Fred as he held up a sloshing cup of butter beer.

The common room seemed to roar.

"I don't understand," said Ron as he stood next to Harry and Hermione. "How does reading a poem that insults our Head of House make me a hero?"

"Who cares?" said Harry laughing. "Did you see her face?"

Ron nodded trying to keep in his laughter.

"Ron, what were you thinking when you did that?" demanded Hermione sternly.

"I was thinking I was gonna die."

"Well then _why_ did you do it?"

Ron sighed. "'Mione, it's a long long story, and I'm tired. Can we just drop it?"

Hermione sniffed.

"Not like it matters anyway," Ron muttered. "I'm totally gonna be expelled."

Harry nodded. "Probably."

Just then there was a humungo crash that sounded like a portrait slamming open.

And then they heard the voice that chilled them to the bone.

"ALRIGHT ALL OF YOU! TO BED NOW! I DON'T WANT TO HEAR A PEEP FROM THIS TOWER!"

Everyone dropped what they were doing and scurried up to their rooms with their tails between their legs.

"AND RONALD WEASELY!" cried McGonagall as she stood in front of him with her hands on her hips. "Come with me."

Ron thought he was going to wet himself.

He followed Professor Mcgonagall's brisk walk. When they arrived at her office, she opened the door and let him in with a tight face. He sat down in a chair as McGonagall sat behind her desk.

"_Why_, dare I ask, did you even _think_ of doing that Mr. Weasely!" McGonagall demanded angrily. "It was immature, it was uncalled for, and I do _not_ look like a fly!"

Ron searched for an explanation. "I agree professor, but I had to do it."

"And _why_?"

"Because…well…to put it simply…er…"

"Out with it Mr. Weasely."

Ron looked around for an inspiration of a reason. "I…was cursed professor."

McGonagoll's brow furrowed, obviously not buying it. "And who cursed you?"

Ron stared. "A…hippogriff."

"And why would the hippogriff curse you?"

Ron pursed his lips in thought. "Probably because it doesn't like me."

"I see," she said with raised brows. "Very well Mr. Weasely. Because there is no known rule against announcing offending poems to teachers, I have no choice but to only give you detention. You are excused."

Ron stared for a moment confused, but then he realized that he just got off with only a detention and was excused. He stood and began to walk out of her office. "Thank you professor."

"Oh, and Weasely," stared McGonagall.

Ron turned around. "Yeah?"

"Do you really think my eyebrows are pretty?"

Ron froze. "Erm…of course."

"Thank you Mr. Weasely."

Ron walked out of her office feeling both disturbed and happy. He wasn't expelled!

But he had another thought. He had to take care of the butterfly problem fast before something like that happened again.

* * *

Lmao. 

"A…hippogriff"

That was probably the most random thing I've ever written. And if you guys read my other fics, you KNOW that that is saying a lot.

Anywho…

Replies:

Kuyaga: Ahh…I see. You know…I think you would have a great cat patronus. But then again, it is your patronus.

Amberhawk: lol. I guess it is the funniest thing ever, huh? Sorry for not updating at that exact moment, but this is close enough right? And I gave you two chapters…that should make up for it.

Crysania Fay: I liked the 'whose butterfly' line too. Well…of course hermione is on his tail for finding out whats wrong with him…but…well…you'll see.

Captain Cheese and Dommit: lol…well now you know what's on the paper.

Silver-star-0: Why yes…I am the author. However…kazooband wrote the last chapter, so I would talk to her about it. She has a strange mind. Whatev. Lol.

Heehee.

…hippogriff


	8. Candy In A Seed

OMG I LOVE this chapter.

I think it's one of my favorites.

Kazooband doesn't like it very much…but hey…this fic is under my name so I can do whatever I want, right?

Lol.

Well here we go…

I suggest going to the bathroom BEFORE reading this chapter. Just to be safe.

* * *

Chapter 8: Candy in a Seed 

By heartdamoose

* * *

Ron didn't know what in the world had possessed him to do it, but he knocked on Fred and George's room door. 

"George! It's Ronny Boy! Have you come to see us?" asked Fred.

It was then that Ron regretted coming anywhere near their room.

"No Fred, I didn't," Ron said sarcastically.

"Well come in!" said George as he tugged him inside. "Welcome to headquarters."

Ron looked around. "Headquarters for what?" he croaked. The whole place was covered in…strange objects.

"For our joke shop of course!" exclaimed Fred as he opened his arms in welcome.

Ron felt like he had just entered Willie Wonka's Chocolate Factory.

"Does Mom know about this?" Ron asked in shock.

George put his arm over Ron's shoulders. "Between you and me, Ronald, Mum doesn't know about anything."

"And let's keep it that way," said Fred grinning.

"So, what do you want?" asked George clasping his hands together.

Ron looked at the two of them uneasily. "Well, I need your help."

Fred beamed. "Ah. Chick problems. Well you should be lucky you came to us first, little brother. You see, I—."

"I'm not having chick problems!" Ron retorted. "It's something else."

George stared. "Well okay then. Talk to us."

Fred took out a notepad and pen.

Ron sighed. "Well let's just say I have a erm…_friend_, and he has a problem with his patronus."

"Ah. Patronus problems," said Fred scribbling down notes.

George stared at Ron oddly. "Your friend doesn't happen to be you does it?" he asked grinning.

Fred tapped his pencil on his chin. "Hmm. Insecurities in admitting oneself in an embarrassing topic…" He scribbled it down on his paper.

"How did you know?" demanded Ron.

"_Know_? Ron dear, it's bloody obvious," said George laughing.

"You can't summon a patronus in the DA," pointed out Fred.

"You've been pretty odd lately."

"You're a horrible actor."

"You ate that—."

"All right, all right," said Ron cutting them off. "But the thing is, I can summon a patronus just fine, it's what it is that bothers me."

Fred took more notes.

"Ah. Patronus insecurities."

More notes.

"What should I do?"

Once again, more notes.

Ron glared at Fred. "I mean I…"

More notes.

"…Guess it's all right…"

Notes! Notes! Notes!

"…But it's wimpy and…"

…Notes.

"…Wouldn't even be able to protect _itself_ let alone _me_ from dementors…"

Notes and more notes… 

Ron snatched the notepad away from Fred. "Would you stop that! Jeeze! What have you been writing in here anyway?" Ron opened the notepad and stared at Fred's work. "Fred, these aren't even bloody notes! This is just a lame attempt of a drawing of you gardening!"

Fred grinned. "Aye, but it ain't just any garden…it's a candy garden!"

Ron looked at Fred as if his brain had been removed, chopped into little bits, and eaten by carnivorous snails. "You didn't take any notes you stupid Willie Wonka!"

"…_Come with me, and you'll be, in a world of pure imagination, take a look, and you'll see, into your imagination…"_

Ron hit his head. "Oh shut up."

George took the notepad from Ron and looked at the picture. "You know Fred, this is actually a pretty good idea! Candy that grows in the front yard? Who would have thought?"

"I knew you would like it George!" said Fred quite pleased with himself.

It seemed like Ron's existence was forgotten.

"And it will be a hit with the kids!"

"Oh jeeze you're right!" said Fred. "We should price it high. Kids will buy for anything these days…"

"…And then there's the thought of packaging…"

"…Twenty seeds a box seems about right…" said Fred

"…And each seed will be a different flavor…"

"And of course there will always be that one that tastes like ear wax…"

"We'll call the whole thing Candy in a Seed," finished George.

"Excellent," they both said grinning.

"Hello?" said Ron announcing his presence again.

"What are you doing here?" asked Fred staring at him oddly.

"Are you guys gonna help me with my patronus or what?"

George waved him off. "I dunno Ron, just do a whole bunch of patronuses and maybe it will change or something."

Ron considered it. It might just work. He left the room without either of his brothers noticing.

* * *

Hooray! 

Candy In a Seed.

Lol. I don't know why I like this chapter. It's pretty stupid actually.

Whatev…man.


	9. Consequences of Complementing Eyebrows

**­­­**Alright, quick update right? So…actually, there are only like three more chapters left to this story. Sucky I know.

So…this chapter is pretty much a filler. But hey, just wait until next chapter. Alas…the climax.

Hahaha

* * *

Chapter 9: The Consequences of Complementing Eyebrows 

By kazooband

* * *

Ron shuddered and put away another folder. The event might have been two hours previous, but McGonagall's lecture was still ringing in his ears, far worse than anything Snape could have said. It was as though she'd spent the intervening time between when Ron was assigned detention and when he had to serve it thinking up a suitable speech to mark the occasion. 

_Never in all my days have I been a witness to such outrageous behavior!_

She must not have been paying much attention to Fred and George over the past seven years, then.

_You have besmirched the title of prefect!_

It seemed to Ron that he'd been doing a lot of that lately. Laura McGrievy, though, seemed to have a perfect record, even though it was massively out of order. Maybe she'd make a good prefect. She had plenty of time to spare herself, though; she was only a second year.

As Ron slid the folder back into place he sighed and looked up at the cabinets he had left to organize. He was afraid to look back at those he had already finished, knowing that their numbers would pale in comparison to the work he had left to do. At this rate he would be here all night and most of tomorrow.

When McGonagall told him he'd be organizing the student records, he thought he'd gotten off easy. After all, there couldn't be more than five hundred students in the school. Even though McGonagall told him he couldn't use magic, he'd figured that he would be done with time to finish his charms essay. What he hadn't counted on was the thousand years' worth of students who had already graduated. He would come upon pockets of them at intervals and their old and yellowing parchment would crumble and wither at his touch as he carefully transported them back to their appropriate cabinets, only to discover that they were even more disorganized than the cabinets devoted to current students. One such file had practically disintegrated at McGonagall's feet. She'd repaired it calmly but Ron spent the next hour and a half quailing under her stern gaze. Regrettably, it was during this time that Ron came upon Draco Malfoy's file, and all hopes of altering, misfiling, or destroying it were thwarted.

A little after midnight, McGonagall announced that she was leaving, but Ron was to continue working until he was finished or she came back and told him he could leave. Ron's expression must have been a little too hopeful for her eyebrows crinkled up in suspicion and she locked the cabinets containing the records of current students before she left.

Ron groaned and twisted, inspiring a series of pops all along his spine, before he returned to his dull work. Now that McGonagall was gone, there was no one to make sure that he wasn't using magic. He gave some thought to devising a magical way to finish his task faster, but he couldn't think of any spell intended for organizing papers, and he didn't want to experiment too much and risk causing even more work for himself. However, with no one around, now was the perfect time to see if Fred and George's advice was worth anything. Ron pulled out his wand, imagined himself asleep in bed, and performed the spell. A silver butterfly appeared and Ron glared at it accusingly as he sifted through the file cabinets until it finally gave up and flew away. He conjured one patronus after another until the air was filled with butterflies of various sizes, but no bears, tigers or deer were to be found. At this point, Ron would have settled for anything besides a butterfly, even a poodle. Well, maybe not a poodle. Angrily, he stuffed his wand back in his pocket, shoved the last cabinet closed, and left, sucking at a paper cut.

* * *

Yah…I can't wait until next chapter. It's really really really funny. 

Heehee.

Replies:

Captain Cheese and Dommit: You know, I would love candy in a seed myself. You know. Candy . His patronus is very silly. Oh…and as a reply to your chapter seven review, no one but malfoy knows what his patronus is, and he's trying to not tell them by doing what malfoy says because he is getting black mailed. Are you still confused?

Amberhawk: Oh dear…a mild seizure. That's horrible. And creepy. Wow…your brother is scary. Ah…llamas. I like llamas. And ducks too.

Salma-sol: lol indeed. Yes…quite random. But hey…you know me. I get really random.

Silver-star-0: I have no idea what they'll think of next. And yes…very pointless indeed. Hahaha.


	10. The Butterfly Excursion

Alright.

So this is what some may call the climax. Others may call this the only chapter that really has any sense of action in it.

Hoorah.

Disclaimer: I promised to myself that despite the temptations, I will not take over the harry potter field until I'm at least twenty one.

* * *

Chapter 10: The Butterfly Excursion 

By kazooband with help from heartdamoose. Cookies to whoever guesses where.

* * *

Ron opened his eyes and stared quizzically at the canopy of his four poster bed, wondering what had woken him. After all, the early morning light was just sifting through the curtains. He couldn't have gotten more than two hours of sleep. The stinging in his paper cut hands and stiffness in his back were highly suspect, but when he went to scratch an itch on his ear he discovered the true reason: a butterfly had been flitting around his head. Ron lunged for it, closing his hands around the butterfly just as he fell out of his bed. 

"Wassamatter?" someone asked groggily.

"Nothing, sorry," Ron replied, trapping the insect under a book and rubbing his shoulder where it had connected with the nightstand on the way down.

The delusion that nothing was wrong persisted until Ron left the common room for breakfast with Harry and Hermione. Ron slipped out of the portrait hole, but hadn't quite managed to straighten up when a most horrifying sight met his eyes. Several silver butterflies were flying around the hallway, much to the wonder of the nearby girls and the confusion of the boys. Simply going back to bed now and staying there until tomorrow sounded like an excellent idea.

"What's all this?" Harry asked, bewilderment etched on his face.

"One of Fred and George's experiments gone awry?" Hermione suggested.

"If one of their experiments went bad we'd be in much worse trouble right now," Ron said stealthily.

"Besides, butterflies don't really seem like Fred and George's style," Harry pointed out. Ron narrowly resisted giving his friend a dirty look.

"That's funny," Hermione said as one of the butterflies danced by, "they look just like the butterfly that was in the potions classroom a few days ago. I think they're patronuses."

"Let's go," Ron said, struggling not to stutter. "We're going to be late to class."

Their walk downstairs to the Great Hall was far more interesting than usual. Along with dozens of butterflies and a multitude of awestruck students, they passed Filch, armed with a flyswatter and a mop, muttering something about whoever created these menaces and expulsion. Mrs. Norris was nearby, also attempting to catch the butterflies, but her motives seemed entirely different, although the end result might have been the same. Further on, they passed Flitwick, who had a butterfly captured in a jar. He was experimenting merrily with it, but seemed to be making no progress in his attempts to inspire it to disperse.

As they were walking, Ron spotted Malfoy coming towards him from some distance down the hallway. He was looking perfectly livid and glaring at the butterflies as though they were insulting him.

While their two groups approached, Malfoy positioned himself so that he would pass right by Ron. However, Ron, in an act of foresight borne of endless Quidditch practices, saw what was about to happen and slipped out of the way just as Malfoy was about to ram their shoulders together.

Not expecting to miss at such close range, Malfoy's momentum carried him forward and he fell, sprawled out on the floor. A chorus of laughter rose up all around him. Angrily, Malfoy jumped back to his feet, brushed himself off, and stormed away.

"What was that about?" Harry asked, scratching at a patch of hair behind his ear only to discover that a butterfly had been tugging at it.

"I have no idea," Ron replied gleefully.

At least a hundred butterflies had taken up residence in the Great Hall, where most of them were making hopeful bids for the enchanted ceiling only to hit the solid surface with stunning force and come floating, paper like, back down, where they had to be rescued from bowls of porridge or the floor.

With all their silver brilliance, the butterflies seemed to blend in with the cloudy sky above, creating masses that looked like nothing so much as extensions of the sky, a number of small, pulsing clouds. For the life of him, Ron couldn't remember making that many butterflies.

However, some people seemed to be losing patience with the pests. The Slytherins had taken to blasting approaching butterflies away, which, of course, only made the insects more persistent in their attempts to get nearer to the group. The teachers, too, were becoming fed up with the unexpected visitors, all except Dumbledore, who had coaxed a butterfly on to his wrist and was admiring it as one might regard a piece of fine jewelry.

Ron had some trouble convincing his legs to carry him to the table to join Harry and Hermione. He'd expected the butterflies to flock to him, but instead a sole insect alighted on his shoulder and remained that way until he sheepishly brushed it off. After that, the three of them were left more or less alone.

Just as Harry, Ron, and Hermione were about to leave for class, there was a disturbance from the Ravenclaw table. A group of butterflies had gotten hold of Michael Corner's book bag and lifted it out of his reach. It took the combined efforts of ten people with stunning spells and summoning charms to bring it back to Earth.

"Butterflies don't usually act like that, do they?" someone asked as he walked past Harry, Ron, and Hermione.

"Not that I've seen," his companion replied.

"That's because it's the end of the world!" Seamus exclaimed grimly before turning back to his pancakes with a wide smirk on his face.

The passersby paused long enough to give Seamus a strange look, then one said, "I'll see you later then, assuming the world hasn't ended by then."

"We wouldn't have to turn in our potions homework, at least," the other replied with a shrug. "Have you had a look at it yet? I've never even heard…"

But the eavesdroppers never got to hear what the student had never heard of, for at that moment a butterfly flew very close to Seamus' head ("Ow! Get off me you bloody insect!"). It was too close, in fact, for when Seamus gingerly touched the spot the butterfly had been closest to, his finger came back spotted with blood.

When Harry, Ron, and Hermione arrived in transfiguration there was a butterfly circling the light and several stowaways joined it when the rest of the students trickled in, but McGonagall ignored them and admonished the class to do the same. This became more difficult as the hours wore on and the butterflies became bored with the lack of mayhem. Before long they started landing on the students' parchments, smearing the ink and otherwise interfering with note taking. After that, they progressed to tugging people's hair, then stealing book bags and shuffling around their contents. At this point McGonagall gave in and tried to force the butterflies out of the room, but this only seemed to anger them. By the time class was dismissed, most people sported a multitude of red welts, souvenirs of the last few minutes of class, when the butterflies took to dive bombing the students.

"What was that about?" Harry asked, rubbing his temple, where a butterfly had just hit him.

"If the teachers could get rid of them, I'm sure they would have by now," Hermione said, grimacing as she picked the butterfly's crushed body off his shoulder. "Expect for Dumbledore, I suppose, he seems to like them."

"Where'd they all come from?" Harry replied.

"Maybe we'll never know," Ron offered guiltily.

However, they had yet to witness a fraction of the destruction these butterflies could perpetrate. Reeling over recent events, Ron felt his way over to the nearest banister, but drew his hand back abruptly when he discovered it to be covered with butterflies. In fact, it seemed that every inch of solid surface between the Transfiguration classroom and the Entrance Hall was swarming with butterflies. The insects were merely flapping their wings serenely, but the passing students held a careful silence and seemed to be walking on tenterhooks as they crossed the area.

This eerie calm ended when there was a startled yelp from the opposite end of the hallway. It was quickly stifled, but it seemed to be too late. In a wave, the butterflies took to the air. Most students dropped to the ground in an attempt to stay out of the bulk of the foray and scarcely dared to breathe for fear of inhaling a butterfly. However, it seemed that the insect had a destination in mind and Harry, Ron, and Hermione chose to follow them and find out what it was. They reached the balcony overlooking the Entrance Hall but stopped before going downstairs, choosing not to add themselves to the scene of mass chaos below.

Packs of butterflies were swarming around people, forcing them to flee, their arms shielding their faces. A few people were cowering in corners.

"This is starting to look more and more like Fred and George's work," Harry said.

"Isn't it, though?" someone said behind them.

Harry, Ron, and Hermione turned around to see the twins surveying the scene along with them.

"Pity we didn't come up with it first," George continued.

"So this wasn't you?" Hermione asked.

"Wish it was, mate," Fred replied.

"Whoever it was must be brilliant," George added. "Who would have thought that these butterflies were capable of something like that?"

Ron beamed, but forced his face into a blank expression when he noticed Harry was looking at him, but he was spared form the impending interrogation by Hermione, who grabbed his arm and said, "We should get out of here."

She was right, of course. With the Entrance Hall now deserted, the butterflies were expanding their territory, and places like the balcony were no longer safe. Soon, butterflies were swarming around the group, scratching and pinching whenever they got the chance. However, Ron had only to wave his arms and they left him alone in favor of tormenting his friends. He was about to see what he could do to help them when he heard a piercing shriek. Whoever it was, she sounded like she needed much more help than the rest of his group, who had already slipped into the nearest secret passageway.

Ron backed into the nearest wall and watched as Umbridge approached from around the corner, attempting to fight off a horde of fifty silver butterflies. She tripped over one particularly clever butterfly and fell with a crash onto a conveniently placed axe, which cut off her arms in a scientifically impossible way. The outcome of such a violent catastrophe knocked her into a bucket of boiling oil. Now Umbridge just happened to be allergic to oil. She began to swell to umproportional sizes. Since the bucket of oil could not contain her form, it cracked and violently exploded. Umbridge choked on one of the bucket chunks as she attempted to stand up. Another attacking butterfly got pierced by a bucket chunk and flew into Umbridge's face. Now since Umbridge had lepidopterophobia (The very famous fear of butterflies), she screamed and tried to scratch it off…well she would have if she had arms. So she tried to swat it off with the flopping sleeves of her robes. But instead of shaking off the butterfly, she gouged out her eyeballs by the sharp sequins and jewels sewn into her robes. Unable to see, and having a butterfly on her face, made her fall over the ledge with an echoing clump below. Body parts stuck out of her body in ways that they usually don't.

As Umbridge fell, the butterflies finally dissipated in a hundred puffs of silver smoke. Everywhere students emerged from their hiding places to come and see.

Fred came up beside Ron, looked over the banister, and said, "So falls Dolores, last tyrant of Hogwarts."

"Is she dead?" Hermione asked, coming up on Ron's other side.

"Well, she's not looking very lively down there, is she?" George replied.

"Brilliant," Fred breathed. Ron was inclined to agree. Suddenly, a butterfly didn't seem like a bad patronus at all.

Dumbledore emerged from a nearby hallway and glanced over the banister to the scene below. As he brushed past the group on the way to the staircase they thought they heard him mutter something about paperwork.

* * *

Lol. funny, eh? 

Guess where I helped her out! Heehee.

Replies:

Silver-star-0: well obviously, Ron is caught up in his own problems at the moment. Well actually, since the butterflies are gone, he hasn't much to worry about, but still.

The Awkward One: thank you! Why yes…it is rather horrible indeed. (Is sorry)

Sarah74656: thank you for loving it! Well, you're sorta on the right track with you're guessing. Heehee. (takes gold star) OMG! I would love to thank myself, kazooband, fanfiction, and all of my wonderfull fa—

(gets pushed over by kazooband and thrown into closet)

kuyaga: no wild poodles? That's actually kinda cool. I bet there are only so many types of wild dogs tho. And yes. It would be quite awkward to see one just walk along. Lol.

EvenstaroftheEast: lol. I find that I laugh out loud myself when reading this. Thanks! I loved making up the chapter titles…with kazooband's help of course!

Captain Cheese and Dommit: I'm glad you're not confused then. Um…no comment on the other part you wrote. (twitchy eyes)


	11. Hardy Har Har

Alright. Sorry about the slow update. Homework has decided to gang up on me and stress me out. Evil world, eh?

So...now that it is the weekend, my goal is to finish this fic. The last update will be updated tomorrow. hooray. And as for the reviewers who read Guardian of Animals, I am currently typing it up, so it will hopefully be up tomorrow. Sorry about the long wait.

This is by far the most freaking funny chapter I have eer written in my life. And that is saying a lot.

disclaimer: Neither me nor Kazooband own Harry Potter. But we are currently buying stock.

* * *

Chapter 11: Hardy Har Har 

By heartdamoose

* * *

Ron walked down a small corridor. A corridor that seemed empty, despite small groups of students. All of the butterflies were gone.

As Ron walked by, he overheard most of the people talking about what was soon called the butterfly excursion and how awesome the butterflies were to push Umbridge off a ledge and kill her.

Ron felt stupid. He also felt like telling everyone that the whole butterfly thing was caused by him. It would make him a hero. His name would be imprinted all over Hogwarts and he would have immortality!

Then again, a more reasonable thought came to him. Just as quickly as his heroic thoughts rose, they sank. If he told them, they most likely wouldn't believe him.

Ron sighed as he looked around. Spotting an empty classroom, he decided to go inside. He didn't know why, but he suddenly had the desire to practice his patronus some more.

He opened the door and walked inside. He froze; noticing someone was in there. Just when he was about to turn around and walk out, he noticed that it was Malfoy with his back turned to him. He seemed to be transfixed in something.

Ron walked deeper into the room wondering what the heck Malfoy was doing. Just then, he stepped on something rather crunchy.

Malfoy jumped, obviously not knowing that someone was in the room as well. He turned around with his wand raised.

"What are you doing here Weasely?" he demanded, red faced.

Ron shrugged. "I came in here to practice my patronus."

Malfoy looked at him amused. "Oh really? And I thought you've had enough practice. What with all the butterflies that were floating around. It almost made me sick seeing so many of those _things_ flying around this place."

Ron's eyebrows rose. You know, why should I care what Malfoy thinks? I like my Patronus. And actually, if I could trade my patronus for a different one, I wouldn't. I mean, sure it's a butterfly, not exactly a manly symbol, but it took out Umbridge. That has to give me some credit.

Ron grinned at Malfoy, making Malfoy look confused.

"You know Malfoy, you seem a little too confident about the weakness of my patronus. So, let's see yours."

Draco flushed as he held his wand uncomfortably. "Er…well…"

"That is, if you can even summon one," said Ron crossing his arms over his chest.

Malfoy glared. "Of course I can," he retorted. Raising his wand, he gave it a flip. "Expecto Patronum."

A silver thread of light trailed out of Malfoy's wand and formed into his patronus.

Ron stared wide-eyed. He snorted. _That_ was his patronus?

"What?" said Malfoy as he stared at Ron's surprised face.

"Malfoy, your patronus is a…baby chicken."

And indeed it was. The baby chick stood in front of Malfoy looking very lost and confused. The chick was the size of a rock. Which is really not descriptive since rocks vary very much in size. So, more or less, the chick was the size of Ron's left foot.

_Peep._

Ron laughed. "My patronus could totally kick your patronus's butt," challenged Ron.

Malfoy looked uneasy. "I don't think that's a very good idea…"

Ron rose his wand. "Oh come on Malfoy, what are you, chicken?"

Malfoy glared. "I am _not_ chicken. And I bet my patronus could easily beat yours."

"You're kidding me. There is no way that _that_ could beat my butterfly."

"It's a butterfly. Butterflies are one of the weakest things in the world, next to jello and pudding."

Ron glowered at him. How dare he compare his patronus to pudding! Of course, he wasn't sure how that was insulting. Pudding was good. "Let's settle this once and for all," he said angrily.

Ron walked out of the room and rounded on the nearest passerby.

"You," he said pointing to a first year. The first year stopped dead in his tracks terrified. What was this maniac red head doing? "What is stronger, a butterfly or a baby chick?"

The first year looked at him as if he were mental. "What?"

Ron hit his head with his hand. "What's stronger, a butterfly or a chick?"

"Why are you asking me this?" the boy asked confused.

Ron looked at him impatiently. "It's a hypothetical question. I'm taking a poll for…science class. So which one is stronger?"

"Um…a chick."

Ron gaped at him. Leaning over, he whispered something in the little boy's ear.

"I mean butterfly," he said looking at Ron steadily.

"Good lad," said Ron as he snuck the boy three sickles. He walked back into the classroom.

It was then that the little first year realized that Hogwarts didn't have any science classes.

"Okay Malfoy, the boy said honestly and fairly that butterflies are tougher," Ron said victoriously.

"I'll believe it when I see it," the Slytherin retorted. "I challenge your patronus to a duel." The little chick chirped in agreement.

Ron grinned as he raised his wand. "Expecto Patronum!" Out erupted a large butterfly that's height went up to Ron's waist. It floated cheekily around before coming up to the chick.

_Peep._

Without even a warning, the butterfly swooped down and ate the baby bird viciously.

Both Malfoy and Ron stared in bewilderment.

"Your bloody butterfly just ate my patronus!"

Ron shrugged. "It was hungry. So I win?"

Malfoy nodded absently.

"And you won't black mail me anymore?"

Another absent nod.

"And…you'll jump off a cliff?"

Malfoy stared. "Don't push it Weasely."

Ron grinned. "Come my butterfly friend! We have partying to do!" The butterfly floated innocently to Ron's side before dissipating in a silver wisp.

Ron felt like skipping out of the room.

* * *

hahaha a chick. funny funny funny. 

only one more chapter left!

replies:

silver-star-0: lol. yes, I did help her out there (hands you a cookie). The chunk did give it away didn't it. well, what can I say? I love chunks! No...I'm not an assassin, just a moose is all. I'm just rather creative. oh dear, the internet! that's horrible! How did you survive anyway?

Salma-sol: yes, I am quite random. She died! The witch is dead! Of course it isn't over. And if you want more from me, I just put up a rather short fic called Some Call it Loyalty. it's a small thing, but a good read.

kuyaga: well Umbridge is there because it's in year 5 I suppose, I dunno we just put her in there. A flying red ant! rather creepy indeed. (runs away). I hate those things...

Amberhawk: Sorry for not updating very quickly, but thanks anyway!


	12. When the Laughing Fit Subsides

Alas. The last chapter. Well, good story, eh? Worth the read of course! It was hilarious to write, and to read your reviews. awesome stuff.

So...without further ado, the final chapter.

* * *

Chapter 12: When the Laughing Fit Subsides 

By kazooband

* * *

The observer, and there were many, might have suspected that Ron had just won the lottery, single-handedly perpetrated the greatest victory in recent history, or perhaps aced a potions test and, miraculously, a third of them would have been right. Meanwhile, Ron was feeling ridiculously pleased with himself and couldn't help skipping down the hallway to the next DA meeting. He felt liable to burst into song at any given moment. He even did so once or twice, frightening the nearby students into defensive packs. 

As far as Ron was concerned, there was no day in recent memory that had gone quite so well as this one. Two of his greatest foes had been vanquished, and he alone had been responsible for the downfall of both. What's more, his pathetic, wimpy, butterfly patronus had been instrumental in both victories. All of a sudden it didn't seem nearly so wimpy after all. After all, Harry's stag hadn't ever overthrown a dictator.

Unable to help himself, Ron performed an excited, flailing jig before collecting himself and knocking on the door to the Room of Requirement.

Hermione let him inside the sparsely populated room, demanding, "Where have you been? We've been waiting for you."

"Sorry," Ron replied. "I was just…" dancing "…finishing my charms homework."

Harry and Hermione glared exacerbated looks at each other. Whatever competition they had, it seemed that Harry lost, because he turned back to Ron and said, "Alright, here's the thing, mate. We were there when you finished your charms homework yesterday and we know you never had a girlfriend, so will you please just tell us what's been going on so we can quit trying to guess."

However, before Ron got around to explaining himself there was a knock at the door, and as Hermione went to answer it Ron fell victim to the habits of the past week and a look of far more alarm than the situation actually called for crossed his face.

"Fine," Harry relented. "After the meeting, then, but you can't run forever."

The rest of the group trickled in over the next few minutes. When everyone had arrived, Harry locked the door and called the meeting to order.

"Most of you have your patronuses sorted by now. I don't want you lot to just sit around bored while you're here, so why don't you go through the books in here and try to find and work on some more spells you want to learn. I'll work with the others and check in on you from time to time."

The group split apart with Hermione eagerly volunteering to organize those who were doing research. Ron made to join them, but Harry grabbed him back and said, "Oh no you don't, you're first."

"I think the others need more help than I do," Ron replied.

"It seems like you've got some sort of block against the charm," Harry said, ignoring Ron's protests. "That's the only reason I can think of that would make you have so much trouble."

"I'm telling you, I'm close," Ron laughed, "really, really close."

"So you keep saying," Harry sighed, "but you keep avoiding me when I ask you to prove it."

"Maybe I'll just show you, then," Ron replied defiantly, although it was unclear whether said defiance was directed at Harry or the pack of nerves that had just taken up residence in his stomach. It was nowhere near as uncomfortable as when he'd actually swallowed a butterfly, but he still could have done without it.

"Go ahead then," Harry offered. "You remember the incantation?"

"Yes I remember it," Ron muttered through gritted teeth. He cleared his mind, thought of the time less than an hour previous when his butterfly had eaten Malfoy's chick, and said, "Expecto Patronum!"

A puff of silver mist slid out of the tip of Ron's wand and coalesced into a beautiful silver butterfly. The entire room fell into a serine silence as they watched it and basked in its light. Then someone screamed.

It was as though a warning siren had gone off. Within a second everyone had snapped out of their wonder and within two seconds most people had located some sort of cover and were cowering out of sight.

"It's another one of those demon butterflies from this morning!"

"A pack of them killed Umbridge!"

"Yeah, good for them, but get out of there before it gets you too!"

Neville, a bit slower than the rest, was left out in the open, but he didn't spend long there. The butterfly landed on his sleeve and he squeaked, roughly brushing it off, then forced his way into the fort Fred and George had hastily erected out of the cushions the group used when they practiced stunning spells.

Harry and Ron were also left without cover, but only because they'd both seen where the butterfly came from. They looked at each other and started laughing just as the rest of the DA organized and began doing as they'd been trained to do. The names of twenty jinxes, hexes, spells, curses, and charms were invoked at once and Harry and Ron just barely managed to drop to the floor fast enough to avoid being hit by them.

The butterfly nimbly dodged most of the spells and those that hit it seemed to have no effect. Instead, books were blown off shelves, grisly pictures destined to depict terrible battles for evermore slipped off the walls and ripped in half, and there were some scattered screams as jinxes bypassed their target and struck their caster's comrades instead.

Those still able sent up a second volley, then a third and a fourth, sparing no thought or concern to nearby casualties. After all, right now, bringing down the butterfly was of the utmost importance, they could help their friends later; Harry hadn't taught them any lethal spells anyway, if he had they might have nabbed the blighter already. Their efforts were still having no effect, or the opposite effect from what they'd hoped for. Instead of being knocked out of the air, the butterfly was becoming more agitated.

Michael Corner let out a terrorized shriek and left his cover for the door, with Zacharias Smith right behind him. However, in their panic they forgot about the deadbolt and were reduced to clawing uselessly at the doorknob.

"Stop!" Harry yelled as a sneakoscope exploded and rained glass down over him.

"It's not dangerous!" Ron added, pushing away the remains of a shredded book that looked like nothing so much as the results of a freak snowstorm that had suddenly opened up over his head.

"Not dangerous!" Harry exclaimed. "Are you trying to tell me it wasn't one of these that killed Umbridge?"

"No," Ron admitted. "But it takes a whole pack of them to do that."

"It only took one to tear up the potions classroom," Harry reminded him.

"Go away!" Ron yelled up at the butterfly waving his arm, but all he got for his troubles was an impediment jinx to his hand, which stiffened and numbed his entire arm. It flopped down behind him, forcing him to roll to his back or risk dislocating his shoulder.

"What are you doing?" Harry asked.

"You can tell your patronus what to do, I've seen it," Ron replied. "I just don't think it can hear me."

"The whistle," Harry said, brightening up.

Valiantly, Harry squirmed across the room to the table where the whistle lay, ducking under wayward spells and dodging bewitched books and pictures. Just as Harry reached the table, Hermione daringly jumped out into the open and sent up a spell at the butterfly.

The well placed curse caught the butterfly squarely in one of its upper wings and tore a hole straight through it.

"No!" Ron yelled.

The butterfly, which only moments before had been insolently dodging spells, was now struggling just to stay aloft and the DA members seized the opportunity. Before long, the butterfly had been hit with almost every spell from almost every direction and floated gently back down to Earth, landing right in front of Ron.

Blinking away tears, Ron picked up the unfortunate insect. It waved its antennae mischievously then disappeared into a puff of smoke.

As Ron got shakily to his feet he watched the other members of the DA leave their hiding places to inspect the damage to the room and see to their fallen comrades.

"Was that your butterfly?" Ginny asked Ron, coming up behind him.

"Yeah," Ron replied.

"Were those your butterflies this morning too?" Fred asked, looking impressed.

"Yeah," Ron repeated. "But this one wouldn't have hurt anyone."

"I guess we just got a little carried away," George admitted.

"So," Harry started, intending to continue his and Ron's previous conversation. "You're patronus is a butterfly."

"Yep," Ron said proudly.

"Wicked," Fred and George said simultaneously. Most of the people in the room seemed to agree.

"Alright," Harry said, addressing the room at large. "I think that's enough for this meeting, get yourselves patched up if you need it. Forget about learning more spells, though. Next time we're starting battle tactics, with special attention to group on group and group on one scenarios."

* * *

heeheehee. well, Ron and his patronus are happy after all! hoorah! 

replies:

Silver-Star-0: Oh dear! You've died! (is overwhelmed with grief) (hires Romeli to resurrect you) hahaha. I win. You're immortality is back after all! Why yes...chunks are very awesome. I love the word. Chunk. Chunk. Chunk.

kuyaga: I love Ron's patronus. I wouldn't have it any other way. That is an awesome quote. It very much reminds me of his patronus indeed. Very clever. hehe.


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